a stream of thoughts flowing in every direction
Journal Entry #07 | you’re not too old for [insert desire]
Ya know, I had a lot on my mind these past couple weeks. One thought led to another, and now we’re here. Feel free to take what resonates.
you’re not too old for [insert desire]
10.15.24
I finally embarked on the journey to fix my smile. And I say ‘fix,’ in the literal sense to describe something that is broken. I needed braces since I was a child. Two adult teeth never erupted on their own, leaving behind a large gap of which the neighboring teeth are shifting into. Now, in my late twenties, I am correcting that. I am granting my inner child with her long time desire of being proud of her smile. She is happy. I am happy…and in discomfort.
No seriously, I have a lot of lip to move around these brackets. I am actively relearning how to talk. Even chewing presents another feat. This morning I fought with a bowl of grits and scrambled eggs. The toughest hurdle was chewing the fluffy eggs! Despite the learning curves, I am determined to see this journey through.
Which reminds me, I am not too old to reach back into my past and bring forth a desire that continues to appear in my present day (and that’s on Sankofa). Ever since the age of 11, when my adult teeth refused to materialize in my mouth, I hid my smile. Every laugh was shadowed by a hand or turned out of sight. Each smile was carefully orchestrated as to only show a partial. Every speaking moment relied on the bottom lip to conceal as much bottom row teeth as possible. These measures were normal for me. Birthed out of insecurity and molded by years of practice.
Person: You have a such a pretty smile!
Me: Thank you
In my head: Of course it looks that way, the flaws are well hidden from you.
If there is something your inner child desperately yearned for, the responsibility is on you - the adult - to do that thing for them. Why shouldn’t you? Their desire may fade with time but it does not cease to exist in adulthood. There are and will continue to be reminders of it in your grown person actions and thoughts, until the end of your days.
So, fulfill that wish for young you. Timing isn’t as important as doing.
it's okay to say you're not okay.
10.UNK.24
It dawned on me the other day, how often humans in a capitalistic country will experience stress in at least one or potentially multiple aspects of their life. From insufficient healthcare to penny paying employment to degrading familial relationships to the local news, stress knows how to interject itself into each area. It’s nearly a guarantee.
When I feel stressed, I must force myself to move. Take a walk. Stretch in the living room. Manically shake my limbs around. Because if I don’t move my body in some way, then there isn’t another healthy alternative that will alleviate the physical stress felt in my body. That energy must find another home. One that isn’t mine. Journaling is a great preventative measure. It helps soothe me for the time being. I am mentally sound afterwards but the stress physically lingers.
You know the idiom that God/universe won’t place a burden too heavy on you that you can’t carry? Well I think it’s gilded bullshit. That mindset puts struggle on a pedestal. Why must I endure? Just because I can take it?? Ion like that. Why is suffering central to humanity? People are being killed over land rights that fundamentally do not exist because no one truly owns land. (Country borders and all other deviations of it are man-made.) Yet, it would be fair to look in their human eyes and state, “you have the will power to endure this.” Does that not sound insane?? Does that not sound inhumane?
oh my goodness, school.
10.15.24
You know what burns my butter? The fact that a high school education once propelled people into lenghty careers that sustained them for a lifetime. Meanwhile, I’m over here contemplating which degree route to choose for the inevitable masters program. I say inevitable because at this rate, a bachelors degree is losing me money.
A whole four year degree is not enough in the year 2024. In 1986, 68% of jobs required an education up to high school degree, compared to 32% of jobs in 2021. And the number will continue to shrink as time passes. Yet the price tag will continue to skyrocket into the next universe.
It makes no sense to me. This game we’re involuntarily subjected to. The bar is always moving, unnecessarily so, and we’re compelled to keep chasing it as it directly impacts our way of life. If we don’t chase, we’re left behind. When we do chase, we’re almost there and not close at all. This reminds me of a piece I wrote on opting out of life.
Okay, less cynical. I am equally reminded about American expats. Those who take up residency in another country to flee the glorified hamster wheel of living in the states. I thought about the expat life in my unemployed days. Living in another nearby country and contributing to the community. Life’s troubles would not completely disappear but many of them would diminish. However, in notable expat locations like Mexico City, they’re experiencing a gentrification problem with the influx of Americans and Europeans.
I’d be so ashamed to contribute to colonization. I don’t even feel comfortable visiting a non-English speaking city without know a few local language phrases at least. It’s such an entitled way to visit another country - expecting people to work with you when you aren’t willing to work with them.
a poem.
10.23.24
down, down, down/ there goes the spirit/ down, down, down/ where the joy is near it/ down, down, down
up and up/ is here today/ up and up/ must not stay/ up and up
here I am/ where I pray/ there I go/ up up up/ down and down
we live in time.
10.25.24
This movie was amazing. I cried a few times and remained teary eyed throughout the majority of the film.
I came to two conclusions:
The movie was written for the female gaze. Which, I personally have no qualms about it. I soaked up every minute.
The downsies I felt prior to going to the theater, per the above poem, left me.
For the hour and forty minutes I was in the film, my only thoughts were about the film and - even after the film - I kept reflecting on how wonderful the film was. Watching a movie in theaters reminded me of when I went as a child my family. Of course I can wait for the movie to stream after a couple months (or weeks) but there are so many distractions at home. The theater is literally creates an environment where the only focus is the film.
The theater provides me reprieve.
And for that, I am grateful.